HOW CAN I SPELL "S_CCESS" WITHOUT "U"? OR "C_UTE" OR "H_MBLE" OR "F_N" OR "F_T_RE" ?? OR EVEN "TR_ST"??? WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT "U"!!!!!!!! that is why U and I (letters) are together on keyboard ======================= While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !" "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. "Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!" . ============================== A True story A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor. "You are engaged" he said, give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application tofill, as well as when you will start. The man replied " I don't have a computer, neither an email" I'm sorry, said the HR manager, if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job. The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60 . The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email ". The broker answered curiously," you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!" The man thought for a while and replied, " Yes, I'd have been an office boy at Microsoft!" MORALS OF THE STORY: M1- Internet is not the solution to your life. M2- If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire. M3- If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy, than a millionaire... Have a great day, Please : Do not reply to this email, I am going to sell tomatoes!!! ============================================== A MAN WAS SLEEPING IN HIS HOUSE. SUDDENLY YAMARAJ APPEARED & SAID, "GO OUT & ENJOY. NOTHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS." HE DID SO & MET WITH AN ACCIDENT & DIED. ON THE WAY TO HEAVEN IS HELL....SAW YAMARAJ WHISTLING N RELAXING. HE ASKED YAMRAJ, WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME. -Scroll down down "SORRY SON, Appraisal time, HAD TO ACHIEVE TARGET...... ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :)Smiling is CONTAGIOUS!!! :)so KEEP SMILING :).......... ===================================== PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK: 1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." -------------------------------------------------- 2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" -------------------------------------------------- 3). Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer:: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No..." -------------------------------------------------- 4). Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" Tech Support:: ?!%#$ -------------------------------------------------- 5). Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" -------------------------------------------------- 6) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer:: "A white one." -------------------------------------------------- 7). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer:: "How do you spell that?" -------------------------------------------------- 8). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." -------------------------------------------------- 9). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?" Customer: "Pentium." -------------------------------------------------- 10). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion." -------------------------------------------------- 11).Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." -------------------------------------------------- 12).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" -------------------------------------------------- 13). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." -------------------------------------------------- 14). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" -------------------------------------------------- 15). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support:: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?" -------------------------------------------------- 16). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: What's the problem? User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply. Tech: You'll need a new power supply. User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files. Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it. User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command. 10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem. User: I knew it! Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes. 10 minutes later. User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking. Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using? User: MS-DOS 6.22. Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes. 1 hour later. User: I need a new power supply. Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply. Tech: Then what did he say? User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE. ------------------------------------------------- 17) customer care officer:I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out? Cust: sure CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'? Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer? --------------------------------------- 18) Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" ------------------------------ If restaurants functioned like Microsoft: Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. The waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check. The check reads as follows: Soup of the Day .......... $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .......... $2.50 Access to support .......... $1.00 ==============================================\ 1. A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!. 2. Sardar-why r all these people running? Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running? 3. Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense. Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail". 4. Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought he wrote: Yes! 5. Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant it's already raining. Sardar: So what? Take anumbrella and go. 6. Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back. 7. Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it.... 8. Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving.. 9. Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ? Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror! 10. Sardar was writing something very slowly. Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly? Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast. 11. Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more.. 12. A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM". 13. frog: tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai. santa: hai. frog: nahin hai. santa: hai. frog: nahin hai & jumps into the well. santa: isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi.? 14. santa and banta in a football stadium: ----------------------------------------------------- santa : paaji yeh log ball se kya kar rahe hain? banta : goal kar rahe hain!!! santa :"lekin paaji ball toh pehle se gol hain , aur kitni gol karenge!!!!!!!!!" ************************************************************************ Santa ( to his son ) : Itne kam marks? do thappad marne chayiye.......! Santa's son : Haa papa.. chalo...maine us master ka ghar dekha hai.....! ************************************************************************ Why did santa singh sign all the cheques in his cheque book........... .................so that no one else could use them if he lost his chequebook?!!@@? ************************************************************************ Santa : We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child. Banta : Is it! Why? Santa : We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months ************************************************************************ How did santa singh attempt to transfer some files from one PC to another PC..... 1)Right clicked the mouse on the file which he wanted to transfer and selected cut option 2)Disconnected the mouse from that PC 3)Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where he wanted to copy that file 4)And trying to paste it there....!!!!!!!!! ************************************************************************ Once Banta got a party invitation saying..... Black tie only ! At the party Banta was very shocked to see other people wearing suits also!!!!!!